Reflecting

My stay in Amman is almost over- a thought, once reflected upon, that produces an instinctive rejection. I've only just got here, or so it seems. I feel as if I know the city intimately, and at the same time, I am on the outskirts with no hope of coming anywhere close to belonging in the next five weeks.

I miss many things about America, but none of them are merely because they are American. I miss being able to cook whatever I want, I miss the late nights in Cafe on the Ave with my stacks of books and frantic typing, I miss my wardrobe of more than three pairs of pants . None of these are intrinsically American, and all of them comforts that I have just as easily lived without here. And I am reminded every day here that these comforts of home, the comforts that America provides, are not really comforts that America provides- they are comforts that my wealth, my class standing provide for me back at home. And perhaps it is good for me to live without them, to learn to grow without the comforts afforded to me by wealth. In these last few weeks I have found myself wishing fondly for home, daydreaming of what life will be like when I return, building up grand plans in my head of how I will spend my next months. But just as I have been daydreaming of the return, I have been dreading it.

Sometimes I think, what if I don't go back? I could just as readily live here- being a fluent English speaker is, fortunately, a hot commodity here. I could easily find a job and a comfortable apartment, and put down the roots here that I have been so desperately missing. Life in Amman has become everyday life for me- a city once foreign, once wildly exciting and desperately confusing has become normal. I feel comfortable enough to walk through the city without a vigilant eye canvassing the streets for shabab that I must avoid, I have a comfortable grasp on the geography of most of West Amman, and I can redirect a cab driver who is attempting to take me down a time consuming- and more expensive- route.

I think I have grown accustomed to life here in the Middle East- albeit I am living in a rather Westernized section of it- and I am relieved to be able to say that I could pursue a life here, as my studies and subsequent career choice will most likely require (sorry, Mom and Dad). This study abroad- if doing little for me in an academic sense- has at least allowed me to prove that to myself. And when I do return to the US, I think I will miss my life here, however fleeting and ungrounded it has been.